Peel Your Own Grapes

Nobody peels these

I was always a Daddy’s girl. My dad played with me in a way my mother never did. Now that I’m a mom myself, I know she was exhausted. It’s what happens. But my father never was tired the way she was. He taught us our first computer games- Snoopy and Alice and Wonderland. He made me my favorite crepes for breakfast. Once on a family camping trip he spent all day building a three-story mansion out of sticks and bark and moss for my plastic care bear toys. And then he played care bear house with me for hours.
He was that kind of dad, and I was lucky.

My dad came to visit me this week, along with my stepmother Angela and my nephew Kaleb. My dad is older now, and good-naturedly crotchety in that way some old men become. He’s an Opa now, as they say where he’s from.

Don’t underestimate him, though. He’s still fun. He went ‘thrifting’ while he was here and came home with a razor scooter for Kaleb, which he proceeded to ride a few times down the driveway. See? Still fun.

(No pics of this, but I concede that it would’ve been awesome. I’m sorry for failing the internet.)

After dinner one night, we were at the table with the kids while they had a bedtime fruit snack- finger sized bites of watermelon and bananas and grapes. My father pulled out a chair and sat down next to me.

My daughter loves her Opa, and she’s trying hard lately to ensure everyone she loves is included. She held out one large green grape in her tiny hand. “Would you like one of my grapes, Opa?” she offered.

“No, I cannot,” he said. “The women must peel the grapes for the men.” Then he smiled knowingly.

What my dad pictures when he thinks about being fed grapes

It’s just a joke, right? The punch line is ‘You’re a woman!’ My father thinks he’s being funny. He tries to get a rise out of me. It’s kind of the main way both of my parents relate to me. In their defense, I sometimes take myself too seriously when I really care about something. Like women’s rights and racial equality. And Claire.

With that in mind, I know I’ve taken this too personally, but my dad’s stupid grape peeling joke worked.
I was mad.
Really really mad.

What Claire pictures, when she thinks of feeding someone grapes

I could dissect all the reasons I was mad, but I’m too old for that crap now. Mostly I was mad because he said it in front of my four-year old daughter. She’s too little to understand that she can’t take my father at his word. She’s too little for all that Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus chauvinism (did i already say crap?). She just knows her Opa said girls should peel grapes for boys, and she wanted to share with him.

She got down from her chair, her blue monkey nightgown swaying about her knees. She wandered around the kitchen table to where I was sitting and motioned that she wanted to whisper to me. She’s been doing this lately. She’s a bit shy in front of people, so she’ll whisper all kinds of things for me to repeat out loud. This time, she asked me to please teach her how to peel grapes so she could share with her Opa.

I try really hard to never lie to my daughter. I believe it’s a matter of trust, and her faith in me means everything. But I lied this time. I told her I don’t know how to peel grapes. Then I told her that Opa doesn’t really need her to peel his grapes; that he was just being silly.

True, but untrue.
Because my father might have thought he was being silly, but it wasn’t funny.
It’s not easy, raising a girl.
He should know. He raised me.
Maybe not my whole life, but he raised me long enough that it should matter to him that I do things with my life.

When I was Claire’s age, he took me fishing and camping. When we chose electives in jr high, he was delighted when I chose wood shop over home economics. He encouraged me to pursue activities that broke the gender stereotype. He took pride in my accomplishments, whatever they were.

I can’t help but think back to how we were back then and wonder when it changed.

Why does he think its funny to imply that my daughter should be subservient to him as a girl?
Because she’s a girl.
Now I wonder if he said things like that to me as well, as a girl.
Because I’m a girl too.

This is the first time Claire has ever encountered sexism of any kind. She lives mostly with me, exposed only to the other strong, fearless women in my life. When her father is home from work, he’s a respectful, kind, generous, and caring person. He believes in strength and equality. He admires the powerful kind of woman we want to give our daughter the opportunity to become.

My dad thinks he’s being clever and funny, making sexist jokes to his granddaughter.
I disagree. I think it’s inappropriate and a bit stupid.
Claire is unique, determined, and so very beautiful. She’s special because she doesn’t care if she’s beautiful or feminine. She’s angry when I call her ‘cute’ or ‘pretty’. She reminds me every single day that she doesn’t want to be cute. Instead, she demands to be called brave and strong and tough. There’s a bit of magic in this kid, even if she makes me crazy. She’s obsessed with careers. She says she’s going to be a doctor or an astronaut when she grows up. Or maybe both. Kids dream big.

I guess I just think that when the whole world is waiting out there to tell her what she can’t do, it’s our job as her family to buoy her up and remind her that she can. She’s literally just a bundle of potential right now. She deserves better from the people who love her best. We can do better than stupid racist or sexist jokes. We can do better than this.

She deserves better than this.

 

Because I’m just done with the sexism, here are a few badass chicks who did really cool stuff:

Tomoe Goezen

According to one historical account, “Tomoe was especially beautiful, with white skin, long hair, and charming features. She was also a remarkably strong archer, and as a swordswoman she was a warrior worth a thousand, ready to confront a demon or a god, mounted or on foot. She handled unbroken horses with superb skill; she rode unscathed down perilous descents. Whenever a battle was imminent, Yoshinaka sent her out as his first captain, equipped with strong armor, an oversized sword, and a mighty bow; and she performed more deeds of valor than any of his other warriors.”

 

Not an actual picture

Jacquotte Delahaye

Caribbean pirate. Also known as “Back from the Dead Red” due to her red hair and return to piracy after faking her own death and hiding dressed as a man for several years. That’s right. She’s so badass she faked her own death, pretended to be a man, and then finally just kicked butts all over the Caribbean sea.

 

 

 

 

 

This is an actual photo of Zoya before she was hanged

At 18, Zoya ran away and joined the Partisan service, a group of Russian military who served the allies. She was told to burn the village of Petrischevo, where a German cavalry regiment was stationed.

In Petrischevo, Zoya managed to set fire to horse stables and a couple of houses before she was caught and tortured for interrogation. She refused to give up any information. The following morning she was marched to the center of the town with a board around her neck bearing the inscription ‘Houseburner’ and hanged.

Her final words were supposedly “Comrades! Why are you so gloomy? I am not afraid to die! I am happy to die for my people!” and to the Germans, “You’ll hang me now, but I am not alone. There are two hundred million of us. You can’t hang us all.”

 

There are thousands more like this, but I’m tired now. I’m going to bed. Not because I’m a woman, but because I’m human and it’s past my bedtime.